Darling Doormats: Help others while maintaining self preservation

If I asked you to think of the nicest person you know, who do you think of?

Is it someone who is always willing to help and never says no? Someone who is highly generous with material resources? Or maybe someone who is always a great listener?

It seems to be an expectation in our society that we should all be “nice people” and why not?

Nice people are the best, right? They’re more likable, less prone to confrontational situations, and seem to generally be the happiest people!

If you are the person that people think of as always being a “nice person,” then this post is for you.

First, let’s gain some awareness about when you are being nice a healthy amount, versus when you are being a “darling doormat.”

The “nice people” that I’m referring to, live and love to serve. We love to be that person others can come to when they need help, and we LOVE to be able to help them, even at our own expense. Truly, our fulfillment comes from doing services for other people.

(Is it altruistic? We will discuss that in another post, another time).

Being such a nice person can be a beautiful way to live, unless you’re not able to find a balance in which to maintain self preservation and self care.

If you are noticing yourself burning out, or feeling your inner, energetic, peppy light start to fade, you may be slipping into the role of a “darling doormat.”

Doormats (talking about the actual items now) are just darling, right?

They greet you warmly, usually with some witty phrase or another, help you clean off your shoes, and give you a nice place to stomp out your frustrations before entering that dreaded corporate dinner party.

Human doormats are much the same. We are “darling.” We are warm, friendly, accommodating, and totally willing to be the recipients of any necessary venting at pretty much any time.

As we know, doormats get worn out over time. Eventually the shoe grime builds up, the lovely message wears thin, and they become kind of weak and pitiful.

The same is true for us. If you are with me in the “recovering doormat” category, then it’s time to address your prioritization of self care balanced with the care of others.

There is a wonderful little book called Habitudes that I was introduced to a couple of years ago. It is an excellent source of wholesome information, and one chapter focuses explicitly on the importance of self care.

(Habitudes Book 1: The Art of Self-Leadership [Values-Based] (Habitudes: Images That Form Leadership Habits and Attitudes))

In a nutshell, this chapter says that:

You cannot care for others if you are not caring for yourself first.

To rephrase this into some quirky quotes:

“You cannot pour from an empty cup”

“You cannot fuel a car if you are running on empty”

“….I’m running out of quotes…”

You get the picture.

First, we must meet our own needs. Not because we are selfish, but because it is IMPERATIVE to do so if we are going to be in a position to help others meet theirs.

This means some self care tactics are in order, and luckily I have a bunch that I can recommend!

If you’d like a list of self care tips, suggestions, and activities, please opt-in to subscribe to this blog so that I am legally allowed to email the list to you! (You can do this with the form at the bottom of the page!)

For all of you darling doormats out there who are squeamish at the thought of focusing on yourself:

I GET IT, and I find that it is helpful to REMIND YOURSELF that:

Your self care is not an act of selfishness, but of self preservation. You CANNOT take care of others adequately until you take care of yourself first.

If you want to help take care of others (which by now we know that you do), the first step is to make sure you are in a good position to do that.

(This ties into the importance of being able to say “no,” but that also is a whole other ballgame which we will learn to play another time.)

Like everything mental health related, there is no instant fix to this; it will take practice to master.

A tightrope walker doesn’t immediately hop on and make it all the way across. It’s the same principle here:

a balancing act of keeping yourself whole, so that you have enough to lovingly give away.

Love others, always. Help others, frequently. Make sure you’re taking care of you along the way.

(Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please remember to subscribe and share!)